Oh my…the inner struggles of a lazy blogger. All my good intentions gone to waste. I’ve found that I blog more when life is boring, and much less when there’s actually things to blog about. My last post was written during my last week of work in Milwaukee. Since then…
1) Caught up with friends from high school. We always pick up right where we left off, as if we’d never been apart. It’s always comforting to be able to go home and see familiar faces.
2) Recorded and posted me and Krista’s annual cover video for wetheyearbookies, a youtube account we created back in high school when she first started learning guitar.
3) Bought new shoes, crossing my fingers and hoping that my health kick would continue once I got back to campus. I’ve been doing alright…I’m definitely much more lazy about working out, but I think i’ve been doing alright in terms of eating healthy! Still being a health snob, I guess.
4) Baked a cake with daddy! I don’t like sweets— the sponge cake my dad makes is one of the only cakes I’ll eat.
5) Moved into my apartment on campus! UNPACKING TOOK FOREVER. Room tour to come once I finish decorating!
6) Moved in with my best friends!
7) Spent time with my little! I’m obsessed with my little. UGH I CAN’T EVEN CONTAIN MY LOVE FOR HER.
My little has the best bikini bod ever. #jealous
8) Got crafty.
9) Bought new tea cups, tea, and strainer! Also started blending my own tea
10) Made mini mint-colored cupcakes!
Cheers to a new school year!
Peace, love, and sprinkles,
I have countless half-written in diaries from when I was little. I always saw a newer, prettier, more frou-frou diary at the store, and my parents would always give in and buy it for me. My parents didn’t like to buy us toys or anything “fun” in fear that it would distract us from our studies, but they always bought me diaries because they thought it was healthy and “cultivated the mind.”
I remember when blogging became big. I always liked to write…my elementary school teachers always encouraged me and submitted my poetry to all sorts of different competitions. I made my start on Xanga. Soon enough, I just about as many blogs as I did half-written diaries. I would create one, write for a few months, then decide that my domain-name was stupid and trade it in for what I thought sounded cooler (though, no doubt was equally as stupid). I deleted many of my older blogs throughout high school— a move that I stick kick myself for to this day. I would love to still have some sort of representation of 6th-grade Helen…what were my thoughts, obsessions, ponderings…
I still have a couple old blogs, though. Putting them here makes me wince, but I got a couple good laughs out of finding these:
This is the farthest-back blog I can find, from 2006: http://chibiazncheer13.xanga.com/
I was 13. Prepare to feel a wave of complete and utter sorriness for this confused, awkward, little girl:
Stop. SHUT THE FRONT DOOR. Apparently I haven’t changed much…my weakness is still cUt3 aZn gUyZ!!! I feel bad for you, little girl.
Apparently I was also obsessed with a boy named Kyle. I can’t for the life of me remember who this is…
Ahh, yes. I remember that I thought I was the coolest, youngest “web developer” in middle school. I thought I was so cool because I knew about hex codes and html </notcool>. My myspace layout changed on the daily…
Then there was http://xxbluexwaterxx.xanga.com in 2008. I was 15 at the time, and significantly less obnoxious and infatuated with said “cUt3 aZn gUyZ.”
Smart, 15-year old Helen. 20-year old Helen applauds your foresight and is indeed having those “oh yeah…i remember!!!” moments. Thankfully, older Helen has learned to use triple exclamation points sparingly. Either that, or she has become more cynical, ever so slightly more grown-up, and is generally less excitable…
The engineer in me is smiling fondly and wants to pat young Helen on the back. Actually, I’m going to stop and pat myself on the back right now. Good job, young grasshopper. You followed your heart and are very content at your nerdy grown-up job.
Then there was http://touchtheskiesx.wordpress.com/2010/01/page/2/ in 2010. I was 16 years old when I started the blog on January 3rd…I’m starting to see a correlation between the new year and opening new blogs….
This blog is great. I read it and think, dang, girl…you are spunky. I laugh at my own jokes. I smile when I realize how bright and happy and excited I was:
Jan. 3rd, 2010:
I found this gem on my old blog:
This is funny for a few reasons: Firstly, I (FINALLY) stopped biting my nails. They’re actually quite pretty now. Also, I started getting my nails done (french acryllics, princess tips, duhhh) in college. They make me feel much more put together and professional…but they really hinder my piano playing. I get them every once in a while when I think I deserve the treat.
Somewhere between chibiazncheer13 and xxbluexwaterxx (where the heck was I getting these names from??), I had another blog at http://cheergirl77lol.xanga.com/, but I think because xanga has been grandfathered, the layout is distorted and nothing shows up. Sad…I wish I could fill in the gaps between 2006 and 2008.
I currently maintain 5 blogs; this is my only fully public one. The others are for private use— perhaps I’ll write about them in the future. Other old blog I had…
Why yes, I do like to take my anger out on inanimate objects by dissing them online. I feel like my commitment issues go far beyond just relationships….I have all these blogs that I commit to for a few months, and then leave to rot for years…Maybe I’ll pick up that blog again. I do have a bone to pick with manilla envelopes and windows Task Manager.
That’s all for now. Hopefully I won’t abandon this blog, ever. Maybe in a few years I’ll look back at this post of me making fun of my younger self and write another post making fun of my younger self making fun of my even younger self.
Peace, love, and making-fun-of-younger-self-inception,
I’ve been ridiculously blessed this summer- happier than I’ve ever been! I think it was a combination of being in a new place, having time to myself, and a little bit of soul-searching…
But one of the best moments of the summer was simply a thought— a realization, a “light-bulb moment,” if you will.
I was doing a long run on the beach after work. I’m enjoying this whole running thing more and more, especially as I build up mileage and cut off time. I’m learning to think about more sophisticated things than “SKINNY THIGHS, TONED BUTT. SKINNY THIGHS, TONED BUTT” and “WERK IT TWERK IT WERKWERKWERK.”
Who knows what I was thinking about at the time, but as I was taking in the gorgeous scenery of Bradford beach and Lake Michigan, it occurred to me: I’m ok. No, better than ok. I’m wonderful. I had to stop in my tracks and pause the obnoxious electropop I was listening to.
You know that feeling, right? After a painful break up, the first week is devastating, then the next couple weeks after are filled with tentative “testing-of-the-waters.” Am I over him yet? Can I resume my normal life without fearing that some object, store, gesture, or walkway will bring back painful memories and feelings of loss, anger, and longing? And so it goes, for days and days. It gets easier and easier with each day until you barely think about it at all, but there’s always that one moment of weakness that ruins your mood— for me, it often something as simple as seeing a cute picture of a kitten on the internet (ugh, forever a cat-lady) and thinking, “I need to to text this to……..oh wait….”
But fear not, that doesn’t last forever!
I’m writing this post for one dear friend in particular who is going through a tough break up. Keep your chin up, girl! One day, you’ll be running along the beach and suddenly stop in your tracks. You’ll realize that you haven’t had the slightest figment of thought about him in days….no, maybe it’s been weeks! You have no more anger against him, and can barely recall the bad parts of the relationship. There’s no more wanting or longing or regretting what had been— you’re grateful for the good times you spent together, but know with all your heart that it wasn’t meant to be. And that’s ok. And you’re ok. You’re more than ok, you’re wonderful. Your happiness depends fully on yourself, no longer tied to another person who might have other plans. Life is good, so live it up!
Love you, my rhubarb-cake baking, crazy tissue paper hat making, post-it-note loving friend! Can’t wait to see you soon :)
Peace, love, and mona lisa,
I’ve always been someone who gets what she wants. No, let me rephrase. I’ve always been someone who goes out and gets what she wants. I’m a go-getter, I suppose. Want good grades? Library till 3am. Want to master the piano? Lock yourself in a practice room at Hochstein until your fingers fall off. Looking for those perfect pair of shoes? Hit every mall within a 50 mile radius until you find them.
The problem is…you can’t treat everything in life as if it’s a pair of sought-after shoes. You can’t go looking for love. Well, you can…but I’ve heard that all you’ll find is trouble.
It’s a hard thing for my spastic, control-freak nature to accept. Perhaps you’ll think I’m a bit neurotic, which I’ll have to admit that I am. On the other hand, should you also enjoy stressing about things in the far future that you can’t control, we should totally obsess and stress over a cup of coffee. Hit me up.
First and foremost, I’m currently the tender age of 20. But does anyone else feel the societal clock tick-tick-ticking? Bear with me for a moment:
The average age of marriage in the US for women is 26.6 (2012, US Census Bureau), but I always thought I would by the type to get married fairly young— idealistically, between 24-26. I’d like to have 3 kids, so getting that done and over with in my early 30s would be nice…while I still have the energy and patience to chase after them and get back into tip top shape. Having been through a few relationships now, I’ve found that it really does take quite some time to get to know someone. Idealistically, I’d like to date someone for about 2 years before even considering getting engaged. Throw in another 6 months for the poor guy to get his wits together and propose, and another year for wedding preparations. So if I were going to get married between 24-26, I’d have to start dating the guy between the ages of 20.5 and 22.5! And you never actually start dating right away— there’s always a couple months of the picking petals off of flowers “he loves me, he loves me not” game. WELP. Where did the time go? I’m already past 20.5…so I suppose it’s game on! LET’S GO GET HIM!
BUT WAIT. The whole point of this post was to remind myself that you can’t go looking for love. And societal clocks are stupid. And the best laid schemes of mice and men often go awry. Love just happens, right? Right person, right time. So I’m going to suppress the inner control freak and sit real pretty waiting for Mr. Right. Just hurry up, ok?
Peace, love, control-freak-be-gone,
The first line in a blog post is always the hardest. There’s so much pressure to be witty, funny, shocking…
…so I’m just going to skip the niceties and get on with the good stuff!
In some ways it feels as if I’ve been here my whole life. I moved to Milwaukee for another summer internship with General Electric Healthcare (same company I worked for last summer!) at the end of May, shortly after finals were over. Some of the new interns were asking me what there is to do in Milwaukee over lunch the other day, and I was shocked at how much I knew about the area and how much I’ve been able to experience! It’s a wonderful feeling being a young adult in a new city, especially this time of year. I’m the type of person that distinguishes between “go-get ‘em-master-of-business-casual-professional-nerd-engineer Helen” and “beach-shop-drink-lounge-sleep-shopshopshop Helen.” I peace out of the former at 4:30 sharp each day and spend the rest of the day enjoying what’s left of summer.
I spent last summer on a relationship— every splitting second was dedicated to loving someone else, discovering the thrills of being one half of a “thing,” and fostering this brand new “thing” that we jumped into at the end of the school year.
Not anymore! This summer is about ME. Learning to love myself, in all my singleness, clumsiness, impulsiveness…and it is WONDERFUL. Refreshing. Enlightening.
I’ve been cooking and eating healthy— I don’t snack or eat processed foods, and it’s really making a difference in my energy level! I’m starting to think that I’m becoming one of those health fanatics: my favorite things include grapefruit, kale chips, greek yogurt, spinach smoothies….
I’ve been exercising consistently— something I’ve NEVER done in my entire life! If you know me at all, you know that I am extremely lazy. Elevators and escalators ALL THE WAY. But I’ve traded wedges and pumps for sneakers and rackets, perfume for deodorant, self-tanner for sunscreen…I’m a lot stronger than I thought! Pleasant surprise, if you can imagine. I was that kid throughout middle and high school that played sick every time we had to run the mile. I struggled to make the healthy fitness zone, and half the time I ran 3 laps instead of 4 and just called it a day. I’m up to about 4 miles a day now! Milwaukee is an incredible place to run. I always run along a park by the lake or at the beach. The view is incredible— sunsets, sailboats, even double rainbows— are all a part of my daily life. How did I get so lucky?!
My roommate and I recently impulse bought tennis rackets and balls and have been playing regularly. I played throughout high school, but all the techniques I’ve learned…it’s all gone! The first ball that made contact with my racket went soaring out of bounds. But it’s slowly….*very slowly* coming back.
I’ve been shopping. SHOPSHOPSHOP. I used feel complete self-loathing after a major shopping trip because of my awful money-management skills. I see it as part of my self-improvement scheme now (haha…maybe I’m in denial..)! Shopping makes me drive everywhere- I’ve gone to little boutiques in the city, to various malls north and south of MKE, and to this wonderful outdoor mall not too far from where I live. I’ve been considerably better at keeping a budget, which is a huge step for me.
My other new hobby is sewing. I’ve always loved crafting and art, but I’ve always been afraid to alter my clothing, in fear of messing up a shirt or blazer that I love! I’ve been experimenting with different hemlines and necklines, and am excited to start making clothes from scratch!
That’s all for now— back to work for me!
Peace, love, and love-yourself-because-you-are-wonderful,
When someone turns out not to be who you thought they were…it’s like your world falls apart. It’s not about the present anymore, it’s about the past— you become so fixated on every little detail- every motive, conversation, word, place, gift, date, text…
You start wondering if it was real a month ago. And three months ago? Half a year ago? A whole year? Then nothing is real anymore, and your perception of that entire person is shattered. It doesn’t matter that everything was so tangible and real last week. That was an eternity ago.
Then you can’t recall the good times anymore. They become fuzzy and unclear; polluted with doubt if there was ever true feelings and right intentions involved, or if you were just being a naive little doll. You thought you were over that “naive” phase. That was *so* freshman year. But in hindsight, you were fooled again. Too quick to trust, to believe, to give the benefit of the doubt. Stupid girl. Too quick to love.
And you go about your daily life haunted and analyzing what’s left of those memories, and you just can’t catch a break. The present starts haunting you too. Things start arriving in the mail— two sets of tickets to the concert, voucher for dinner for two, confirmation for the surprise vacation up north you were supposed to take…
Serves you right. Next time maybe you’ll remember that not everyone will honor a promise, that words are just noises to fill the silence, and plans are not meant to be concrete. They’ll change as fast as his mind changes, and you’ll be caught in the whiplash trailing behind.
I was recently told by someone “I have no feels.” Well, those weren’t the exact words— it was more along the lines of “I can’t feel emotion anymore,” but for whatever reason my mind likes to call emotions “feels,” so just bear with me for a moment…
So what’s an appropriate reaction to someone who has no more feels?
“I’m sorry you lost your feels”
“I hope you get them back…”
“My condolences on the loss of your ability to feel anything, connect with other people and things, understand remorse and guilt and happiness and love…”
It kind of makes for an unsettling conversation, doesn’t it? (Answer: Yes. yes it did.) It really makes me wonder what it feels like to not feel. Maybe it’s living in a perpetual state of numbness, like when someone blindsides you with a breakup without any warning, or when you’re driving along the road and accidentally hit a particularly cute squirrel.
I’ve noticed that in today’s culture, the attitude of “don’t care” and “don’t give a fuck” and “whatever” has become really popular. Truthfully, I subscribe to those attitudes as well. It’s a lot easier to cope with dissension, bitchy people, and hurt when you detach and “don’t care.” But to lose the ability to process feelings altogether or ignore them…what a miserable, miserable life. To not feel love, compassion, faith, sympathy…even fear, anger, and disappointment. What would you live for? What would drive you to get out of bed each morning?
Just a little thought for the day.
I do hope you get your feels back.
Peace, love, and feelyfeelfeels,